family
there are few things in this world as disgusting as raisins. they look like droppings, get stuck in your teeth (marring your smile and causing cavities) and are notorious for popping up in all kinds of baked goods (scones, muffins, cookies) that should only have chocolate chips. and unfortunately, because of their size and color, raisins sometimes appear to be chocolate, which is a terrible surprise for the unsuspecting consumer.
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now that lucy is back in school we have resumed our “i” street route where we always wave to the grandma we adore (mind you - we’ve never properly met her) who sits in the window. we were really concerned because she wasn't there on tuesday. on wednesday she didn’t see us, but today she waved back! BEST back to school gift ever! x0x0xx
i’m not going to lie… the last couple of weeks have been completely BANANAS and overwhelming. living through a pandemic alone is pretty unsettling what with the social distancing and the COOKING and the home schooling. then there is the election and all the news that logically i shouldn’t watch because it’s all so crazy but i am the worst kind of rubbernecker where i have it on all the time so i don’t miss anything but really i just want to miss ALL of it. then when we finally got into a home schooling rhythm (which wasn’t smooth by the way - lucy and i both cried over her fractions several times a week. sometimes i had to email her teacher that she was missing the google meet because we needed a minute to collect ourselves and wash our faces and eat some chocolate. PRAISE JESUS that unit is over!) our district announced that the kids are going back - lucy FULL time and theo one day a week. i know the people who manage the schools and these decisions are doing their very best but it felt like a BIG leap to go from nothing to four days a week for lu. of course, i am thrilled that they can do some live learning and i AM relieved that we got through so many months of online schooling and my children are still alive. that was a valid concern for me - EVERY time you read about a mother who drove her kids into a lake, she is ALWAYS a home schooler.
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the other day my son inadvertently changed my life forever. we were sitting around and he took a selfie of us, but when he showed it to me we were in “anime” like a japanese cartoon. i have to say… we looked AMAZING… especially me. my eyes were huge, i had no wrinkles, my neck was perfectly smooth, you couldn’t tell that my hair was frizzy or that i was in my jams and i was even a bit tan. i couldn’t believe it.
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hank just turned THREE years old (twenty-one in dog years.) we were feeling very remiss as last september we did not have a proper party so we wanted to make sure we celebrated even though we’re in the middle of a pandemic.
Read More"say, say, oh playmate,
come out and play with me
and bring your dollies three
climb up my apple tree
slide down my rain barrel
into my cellar door
and we'll be jolly friends
forever more, 1-2-3-4"
when i was little, i was desperate for an apple tree like the one in my favorite hand clapping song. i also wanted a rain barrel, although i wasn’t really sure what that was. forty years later, i do have a great, big, sweeping apple tree in my backyard. my tree has a beautiful, twisted, architectural trunk with a hole the perfect size for hiding easter eggs, it makes lots of shade (crucial for a fair-skinned mama living in a town that bumps up against the sun,) in the winter, the way the snow lands on the branches is right out of fairy tale, it’s covered in lacy, white blossoms in the spring, and every other year or so, my tree grows apples in the late summer.
Read Morewe just had our first blizzard in boulder… in typical colorado fashion we went straight from summer to winter, with only an afternoon of fall. i never get used to the roller coaster weather here. i am never prepared with the right size snow boots for the kids or snow pants that fit properly or matching pairs of mittens. at best, i get a whiff of the cow poo smell (which is a pretty reliable snow predictor - i don’t know why) and i have a few hours to get ready. at worst, i wake up and the yard is all white and i have to scurry around and see how i can outfit the kids in some collection of warm clothes before school starts. we are usually late on this first snow day… i just always expect there will be that third season before the snow comes and even after seven years here, i haven’t learned to check the weather.
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when i was growing up we did not have the friendliest neighbors. the grumpy lady on the left would complain about the noise when we rode our big wheels past her house, the grouchy lady across the street would yell at us just for being outside and the old man next door was very kind, but SO old and frail that he was just a periodic face in the window. after i left for college, i didn’t live in a proper house again for over twenty years… i was always in apartments.
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(lucy‘s first day of school four years ago)
today is the first day of “school.” of course it is unlike any previous first day. usually we all walk over to the elementary school and the teachers are out on the lawn with big signs so the kids know where to line up. i stand near my kids and take pictures of them and with them and with their new teachers. when they start marching toward the doors i follow (a reasonable distance behind) waving and blowing kisses and crying… i ALWAYS cry. except this year because they didn’t go anywhere. well…lucy went into the playroom where her desk is all set up and theo went to his bedroom. he has a desk in there, but prefers to sit on his bed with his big, navy study pillow. i DID suggest that it might be more productive for him to sit at his desk, but i couldn’t in good conscience enforce it as i like to do everything in my bed (except eat because that is too messy.) i always studied in bed and i still frequently work in bed because i like to be comfortable.
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when designing the baby room for my first child, we repurposed a pair of walnut bludot dressers we had used for years in our own bedroom as well as a vintage steel nurse’s desk from an office we no longer needed. we flushed the room out with a simple, white crib and changing table from ikea and hung bright, happy artwork on the walls. as my son got older, we replaced the crib for a toddler bed and later a “grown up” bed, updated the posters and art on the walls to reflect his changing interests (he shifted from a love of animals to james bond and skateboarding.) to this day the dressers and desk have remained in his room - he is now fourteen.
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because the scenery on our road trip from colorado to california was so uninspiring, we decided to take a different route back in hopes of seeing lots of ocean and even those elusive, giant red rocks. we left our darling cottage at the crack of dawn and hopped on highway 1, the road that follows the coastline, to take us to los angeles. my kids had been questioning why we were traveling a way that would add hours to our journey, but as soon as we hit half moon bay, they understood. it was a LONG day (we were in the car for ELEVEN hours) but my heart was swelling as we traced the coast and viewed the pacific in all of its iterations: rocky cliffs, pebbled beaches, sandy dunes… we detoured in pebble beach and took the 17 mile drive - breathtaking! my girlfriend grew up there so we had her on the phone narrating our journey as we drove through pebble and carmel. she directed us to the most adorable sweet shop on ocean avenue (it was still too early to go in, but we are determined to return!)
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somehow against all rational thought i imagined going on holiday in california would also be a break from the corona. of course, the closer we got to the golden state, the more the virus was spiking in our destination. we arrived to a berkeley even more bunkered down than boulder, where EVERYONE was wearing masks in public, where most of the restaurants were closed (except for take-out), where many people still had not had a proper haircut (most notably my parents who look like a couple of the founding fathers - my dad favoring thomas jefferson [normally he looks more like jimmy carter] and my mother’s curls reminiscent of john adams’ with the middle bit filled in) and people practicing really conservative social distancing. nevertheless, we were DELIGHTED to arrive.
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(american gate-leg dining table from 1695-1720 owned by the bowdoin family [founders of college in maine]; photo: historic deerfield)
my dear friend, cait mcquade, who is a museum professional and has extensively studied american cultural history (and has a TERRIFIC blog on the various ways we experience museums) let me know that i am not the first to endorse flexible home furnishings. according to cait: “U.S. domestic spaces in colonial and early republic homes were also convertible. all furnishings were kept against the walls when rooms weren't in use (maybe so as not to trip over things in the dim lighting?). folding furniture, mostly tables, kept the center space open until it was time to play cards, work on sewing, or serve tea.” super interesting!
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in this time of corona when air travel feels dicey, we decided to road trip to california for our annual summer visit… spoiler: WE MADE IT! that may be an obvious conclusion for most, but given my flimsy navigational abilities, it was no guarantee for us. (our odds WERE probably elevated by the fact that my first husband generously decided to accompany us on the ride out - corona concerns aside, i think he was worried that we would end up in toledo or baton rouge by mistake.)
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pre corona my day ended by 2:55 pm for school pick up (actually 2:40ish because i had to get there.) from that point on i was making snacks, helping with homework, schlepping kids (my own and other peoples’) to soccer or hip hop or tennis or trumpet, prepping dinner, and schlepping back to pick said children up from soccer or hip hop or tennis or trumpet, squeezing in trips to the safeway or the UPS or the walgreens and trying to send out work emails or texts in the odd ten minute windows that were available. by the time we got through dinner (and all the nagging and threats around eating “five more bites” or no dessert or no phone or whatever else i could think of, i was exhausted. and i would put us all to bed very early because i had no “cheese” left.
Read Morefor as long as i can remember, my father has said this to me… when he was putting me to bed, when he was saying good-bye, or sometimes just because he was passing by. i always imagined a vast, navy blue sky sparkling with stars reaching down to a deep purple ocean filled with colorful, friendly fish. (somehow even after i saw jaws WAY too young, that imagery never penetrated this phrase.) the enormity of all of that love surrounding me and protecting me made feel so safe, like i moved through the world in my own special cocoon. so on the tougher days like when i wasn’t invited to the sleepover or i got a really bad hair cut (fall of 8th grade and again in 10th) or some boy didn’t like me back or we didn’t win the spirit cup senior year like EVERY other class or i didn’t get into the college i wanted (my father actually called some schools and asked for my hand printed applications back) or i didn’t get the job i interviewed for (i am colossally poor in job interviews) or the boyfriend whose eyes are too close together cheated on me (i should have known when my father pointed out his flawed eye configuration) or i forgot to put the parking brake on and my big, two-ton sedan rolled down a hill right into the side of another car whose owner was at the same party i was going to or i got laid off or i couldn’t get pregnant or i had to move from amsterdam to a hot, dusty mountain town or my marriage fell apart or i missed my children so much i remained paralyzed on the sofa binge watching "girlfriend’s guide to divorce” and eating pirate booty until the roof of my mouth was shredded or even last week when i couldn’t remember where i parked after a lunch date and looked for my car (with my date) for FORTY-FIVE minutes in unbelievable heat only to find it right in front of the restaurant (i know - it’s amazing - i did NOT hear from him again!) … on all of those days, and every other, i knew my father loved me. that’s no small thing.
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last week my daughter had a piano recital on zoom along with two dozen other students. it was great to see her perform (she did a TIP TOP job), but the best part was getting a look into everyone else’s homes. my favorite was the one with the little sister laying on her belly across the top of the sofa with her feet in the air and her chin in her hands. runner up was the cat in the window seat behind the piano napping.
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as if a global pandemic and quarantine and the whole country feeling like the apocalypse isn’t stressful enough, today i made my children pose for the holiday card… (our poppies are in FULL bloom and i couldn’t help myself.) they always look so forward to this photo shoot and were absolutely GRATEFUL that i suggested it (i’m a thoughtful, FUN mama like that.) i DID have to use the full force of my diminishing strength (since i can’t go to my bar method classes) to pull my son off the sofa and detach him from the Xbox and i didn’t even try to get him to change out of his corona comfort clothes (no one really knows how many days he’s been in them) - i just matched lucy’s outfit to his - but i could tell by the warm snarl on his face that he was thrilled. i ALSO had to promise them dunkin’ donuts AND frozen custard from the good times drive thru which is a much richer offer than i usually extend, but i really didn’t want to miss the poppies.
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(a road trip to my grandparents’ house circa 1974)
i am not sure what week of corona it is anymore, but here in boulder it is now summer. last week my son virtually “graduated” from middle school with a youtube video sharing their 8th grade yearbook photos and some candids and my daughter’s fourth grade year was capped off with a parade of her teachers on bikes and decorated cars. both of these ceremonies made me teary and stand in shock at what has happened the last couple of months. the transition to online school was so swift and difficult to manage, but now we are all wondering WHAT THE HELL we are going to do with our kids until it starts up again?
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now that we are all spending so much time together, we’ve had to negotiate how to share space, energy, attention and generosity of spirit. it’s become more and more clear that we all have different needs at various times throughout the day and they often don’t coincide.
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