one morning when lucy was about three we had a disagreement as she was leaving for school with her dad. i can’t remember what it was about… possibly me suggesting that she not wear seventeen pairs of underwear all at once because it was hard to get them up and down when going to the bathroom (she started stacking her undies shortly after she stopped wearing diapers… i think she missed the extra booty pop) or maybe i gave her the wrong colored spoon for her yoghurt or maybe i wouldn’t let her have gummy bears for breakfast. i’m not sure, but she was in a SPICY mood. as they finally shuffled out i stood on the porch and called to her, “have a good day lucy!” then i stepped inside and quickly turned the lock (i ALWAYS lock my doors because i’ve seen every episode of law & order SVU so i know what horrible things can happen if a cuckoo gets in your house.) before i could even exhale i hear “BAM, BAM, BAM” on the glass door. there is lucy impatiently pounding with a fierce scowl on her face. i cautiously cracked opened the door and she hollered, “NO mama… YOU have a good day!” she likes to have the last word.
Read Morefamily
the new normal
my parents came to stay with us in amsterdam when my first baby was born. after a few weeks of being woken up constantly at night, regularly getting puked on, never being able to count on any kind of schedule and feeling insanely tired i said, “mom… when is my life going back to NORMAL?” “oh honey,” she said brightly, “this IS your new normal!” and she was right.
Read More
my new (as of yet, UNUSED) tread
the pandemic has wreaked havoc and heartbreak all over the world the last couple of years… one small but personally impactful effect was the closing of my bar (exercise) studio. i am NOT a natural exerciser and somehow i managed to attend this class with regularity for nearly TEN years. they DO offer online classes but i always answer the phone or get distracted or manage not to complete them. i tried to replace my bar classes with extra vigorous walks but hank is not the best partner for that. he only wants to visit his friends or sniff around under the picnic tables in the park in the hopes of finding a snack. he does not keep a good pace and frequently just lays down and refuses to move at all. i tried going on “dog walks” without my dog, but that feels silly and no fun. also, we have so many blizzards here (and i am NOT one to march around in the snow like a straggling member of the donner party) so they put a big dent in my walking routine. the result is that i may have a new career opportunity… posing on the biscuit cans that you bang on the counter!
Read More
daylight savings
this sunday hank and i slept in until 7:30 am, which is practically mid day for us… typically we are roosters. (i think best early morning and hank is eager to have his breakfast and first potty of the day… he usually goes straight back to bed after - literally, he heads directly upstairs and curls up in my bed for a few more hours…he’s not very industrious with his mornings.) i was so excited about the extra sleep until i got into the kitchen and saw that the clock on my range didn’t match my phone. for some reason i never know when daylight savings is coming. this was the “bad” kind of daylight savings where you lose an hour, but it was also good because now the clock in my car is correct (i’ve been waiting SIX MONTHS for this) so i won’t have to adjust when i look at the time… i just have to remember NOT to adjust.
Read More
valentine's day 2022 x00xx
we LOVE valentine’s day around here… we love MAKING valentines…
Read More
HAPPY, HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY theo! x0x0x
(LOOK at the cheeks on that guy - i cropped his cute bum out because he gets embarrassed now…)
when you have a new baby, especially a cute one, the grandmas come up to you EVERYWHERE - in the market, at the park, in restaurants and coffee shops and the line for the loo and warn you, “ENJOY that boy… it goes so fast!” you nod at them sweetly, inwardly annoyed and think about the fact that you can’t remember the last time you slept through the night or slept in or felt even remotely well rested and it just seems impossible because time actually feels like it’s on pause. and then POOF that little cherub of a baby is SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and you just want to bubble wrap him and keep him in the closet so he can’t grow up anymore. so don’t look for theo around town because that’s exactly where he is… i am keeping him safe and sound and frozen in time because i finally understand what those grandmas meant. i will be happy to pass on your birthday wishes to my sweet boy who will not be getting any older… i love him too much for that! HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY my dearest, darling theo! x0x0x
Read More
HAPPY, HAPPY 80th BIRTHDAY (in two days) to my WONDERFUL mother! x0x0x
(my mother’s high school senior portrait)
my mother is a study of contradictions. she grew up on a farm in the very small town of atlantic, iowa. she embraced the no-nonsense, stiff upper lip, super kind, mid-western values (AND the comfort food, which i grew up with) but always felt misplaced on a farm. she did not enjoy collecting eggs at the crack of dawn - she says the hens were ruthless and would pinch the backs of her hands and twist her skin… i have to ask her why she didn’t wear gloves - or get particularly attached to her 4H cow (who she showed in penny loafers, not work boots) or adopt a runty pig like fern that she bottle fed and doted on. no - she moved to the “big city” of minneapolis straight away after college and started working in fashion. she preferred urban sidewalks (where she could wear pretty shoes) and buses to fields and tractors. she was thrilled that her job as a junior buyer for dayton’s department store took her on regular trips to new york where she could soak in the energy and art and architecture and bagels (which she’d never had before) of the biggest, most exciting city in the country.
Read More
happy new year 2022
i am writing this on the afternoon of new year’s eve 2021. i am relieved for the start of 2022 because generally, i like even numbers much better than odd ones (which is why i skip the odd birthdays and just stay an even age for two years which CAN lead to some confusion and me not always knowing exactly how old i am, but then i just check my bumble account because that thing updates automatically) and because 2021 was mostly a shit fuck of a year…not so unlike 2020.
Read More
the monkey
(even at 15 my grandmother seemed to know exactly what she wanted)
my paternal grandmother was fierce. she lived the way she wanted and you pretty much just went along. she liked things a certain way and if something wasn’t to her choosing she would wave her hand, say, “oh FISH!” and carry on as she deemed appropriate. you didn’t really want to get in her way.
Read More
holiday photo 2021
in family, holiday, hank, photography
once again my kids completely lucked out for our holiday photo. my super talented friend, stephanie beresford, wanted to try out some new camera lenses and did a little shoot with them in the backyard. i have no idea when we did this… just that it was “some time” during the pandemic (i think i have permanent corona brain, which has left me unable to remember when anything happened) but it WAS in 2021. theo’s hair is even longer now and lucy has more of a “middle school” air about her, but beyond that they look the same. after all that these kids have had to process in the last two years: the corona, home schooling (especially “math with mom”), me being in school and FREAKING OUT over autocad and sketchup, endless door dash, multiple horrendous shootings, me too, BLM, all the wild fires and smokey air, the loss of our beloved GG AND the loss of our grandma on the “i” street, my vacuum being in the shop for so long (which has lots of ramifications for MY mental health and subsequently theirs) and just the loss of “normal life” (i keep imagining them sitting in a bar in their forties chatting with someone about this pandemic period, “how crazy was your mom during corona?”) i just couldn’t put them through further trauma for a more recent photo… i’m an AWESOME mom like that!
Read More
nancy drew
in family
(nancy when she finds that elusive clock)
mothers take on many roles: taxi driver, referee, party planner, aesthetician, tutor, home chef, nurse, cleaning service… but one gig no one talks about when you are pregnant is that of detective.
Read More
thanksgiving grandmas x0x
in dining room, family, holiday, recipe
i was lucky enough to have three grandmothers (FOUR if you count the grandma we used to wave to on the “i” street): my father’s mother, my mother’s mother (who i never met because she was gone long before i was born) and my gg, my grandpa’s second wife. all of these women had a huge impact on my life.
Read More
devil's thumb
lucy and i recently had a special mama/daughter weekend at devil’s thumb ranch. theo was meant to come, but i got mixed up (corona brain!) and thought he didn’t have school on friday (it was the monday that was off and theo would have missed three tests) so lu and i played hooky instead.
Read More
happy, happy halloween! x00xx
halloween is one of my least favorite holidays… i don’t like bloody stuff or getting scared or being out in the cold - more than once we’ve had halloween SNOW here in boulder - or staying up too late. (one year lucy got the barfing flu and she could not go trick or treating - i have to say i was so HAPPY to stay home and just hand out candy - she wasn’t feeling TOO bad. it WAS a little unnerving because i wasn’t sure i should let her rest on the sofa in case she threw up again, but other than that nagging concern it was the BEST halloween!) i DO like candy and i LOVE seeing my kids dressed up (as long as there is no blood or wounds or axes or spooky masks.) unfortunately, they don’t appreciate when i weigh in on their costumes anymore… PRAISE JESUS i have hank.
Read More
life without my vacuum
in family
(me and my vacuum in happier times)
i’m sure you’ve all been on pins and needles wondering how i am faring without my vacuum… NOT WELL i would say. as i write this my vacuum has been in the shop for NINE days and we have never been separated this long. i DID make some rookie moves in the first two days - i served toast and eggs for breakfast on day one. lucy munches her toast like a wood chuck… crumbs go flying. normally, i don’t let this flap me (remember she has not yet attended cotillion) because i have my trusty vacuum to clean up her storm. but this time i had to wipe down the floor myself.
Read More
my vacuum is my security blanket
in family
i may have mentioned how much i love my vacuum… there is something about the way it sucks away all the yucky stuff that has fallen on my floor and makes that satisfying clickety sound as the crumbs or the little edges of lined paper from a spiral notebook that theo tears off his homework or the bits of the chewed up sticks that hank brings into the house go into the tube that gives me a much needed sense of peace. i imagine it’s how most people feel after meditating. when i try to meditate, i end of thinking about all the things i need to do, like vacuuming, which is calming in its own way, but not as nice as actually vacuuming.
Read More
hank's FOURTH birthday
(baby hank at his first birthday)
hank celebrated his fourth birthday last week…he’s TWENTY-EIGHT in dog years. this year his birthday fell on yom kippur… that’s a bit of a bummer because it’s not the most festive day (it’s “the day of atonement” in judaism.) the morning before, he skipped his breakfast. i can’t tell you how unusual that is so i thought maybe he was fasting a day early in order to get yom out of the way so we could properly celebrate on his special day. or maybe he was just being really cagey. of course, the fact that he wasn’t eating made me super worried so i scrambled him some eggs to entice him. he DID happily eat those. i forgot about his food bowl full of kibble and left for a meeting. when i returned he had eaten that too, so ultimately he had TWO breakfasts.
Read More
yom kippur
(theo at his bar mitzvah)
this week is yom kippur, the day of atonement in the jewish religion. while i never converted, i am raising my children in the faith of their father (with santa and the bunny thrown in) and i have spent more time in temple than i have in any other religious setting. i have hosted loads of seders, rosh hashana dinners and break fasts (i can cook all of the holiday food, except brisket - my brisket is TERRIBLE - so we have roast chicken instead), i know a fair bit of the prayers, or at least the tunes and i have a general understanding of the fundamentals of the religion.
Read More
happy, happy 80th birthday to my darling father
in family
(my father in the early 60s)
my grandmother was a force. while most women of her generation were getting married and having children, she was working as a telephone operator by day and having a fine time being squired around the restaurants and nightclubs of minneapolis by night on the arms of a bevy of young men. she never did get her driver’s license, but also never lacked for rides to whatever social event she was meant to attend. she almost always got her way and when she was displeased she would dismissively wave her hand and say, “oh FISH!” unconventionally, she married my grandfather at forty and had my father on september 3, 1941 when she was forty-one… EIGHTY years ago today. she absolutely ADORED my father.
Read More
weekend with dad
i spent the last few days with my dad… my mother went to “quilt camp” for the week with her quilting girlfriends as she has done for probably the last thirty years and i came out to berkeley to keep my father company for the weekend (i am so HAPPY that flying is an option now!) it is strange to be in the house without mom… we always have our coffee together early morning which she prepares in her very fancy, complicated machine - dad does not drink coffee - and sit at the kitchen table chatting. so i had to make my own coffee with her machine that is as fragile as an orchid and as demanding as a toddler. the first day the machine cooperated nicely which made me feel really competent and possibly a bit cocky. but the second day panic set in as he refused to carry on after i pressed the cappuccino button and red lights started flashing. i thought the little drawing was indicating that he was low on beans, but when i opened the top, there were loads of them in there. finally i realized that i was meant to empty the grounds. this is tricky as the large, flat pan is also full of mucky water that you don’t want to spill as you awkwardly make your way to the sink. finally i got everything dumped and reinstalled and then more red lights were pinging at me… this time he was low on water. HAY SEUS! he makes really good coffee but needs so much attention (this is why i have a VERY simple drip maker) and honestly this one is a VAST improvement from her last machine who was even more finicky and difficult to understand. that one had to go to the shop for detailed repair a few times before he was finally put down. my mother mourned him deeply until she brought this current guy home. she does not have pets, but caring for this coffee machine is far more consuming than feeding and cuddling with hank.
Read More