i moved to new york to go to grad school when i was twenty-three or four. i felt like i needed to stay after i completed my program because my studies had been so intense that i might as well have been in kansas for all i saw of the city. thus began the cycle of my tortured clashesque dilemma: “should i stay or should i go now?” that i revisited each summer. the appeal of california was strong - my whole family was there, it was the landscape of my childhood and i am generally a sunny person in keeping with the california persona. but new york offered so many freedoms - the ability to pop into a taxi without worrying about the directions, a numbered grid geography that also alleviated my navigational challenges (unless i was too far downtown where the streets are a jumble of unalphabetized names), the potential to be both anonymous (not having to smile and say hello to everyone you pass on the street as is customary in california - i find this friendliness EXHAUSTING) and known (by my dry cleaner, my bodega guy, my corner take out) and, of course, the SUBWAY - such an easy system that even i, who continues to get lost in my own hometown, could competently traverse the city. my california/new york conflict was so strong that for a while, i would only date transplanted californians, in case i decided i wanted to move back.