(both of my babies 2010…)
these two were not easy to get. i went through a multitude of treatments from both eastern and western doctors in the states and in the netherlands over many years, getting needled and cupped and eating restrictive, pro-pregnancy diets that left me frustrated and unsatisfied (and did NOT include scotchmallows or pinot noir or even fresh fruit), having blood draws and getting probed with all kinds of instruments, injecting myself with so many hormones that at times i truly felt out of my mind. and i am sure i was. but i would not trade any of that because it led to the creation of my darling children. ultimately, they are both from the same IVF batch, even though i did more than one… lucy was just frozen for several years. i think that is why they look so much alike. lucy contends they are technically “twins,” theo believes firmly they are not and that he is definitely older. regardless, bringing these children to life has been the most difficult and rewarding project i have ever attempted. and it’s not even over…
there is a misnomer that when you struggle with fertility, after finally having a baby, everything will be rainbows and sugar cookies. at least i thought that. the truth is much more complicated and intense. after the first one came, there were so many DECISIONS to make: co-sleeping or a bassinet? nursing on a schedule or “as needed?” a strict home nap routine or long walks with the buggy over the cobblestones of amsterdam that ensured sleeping (until you stopped)? a dutch approach to germs and medicine or an american one? and then there were the WORRIES! is he breathing? is the poop supposed to look like that? is he breathing? is that a rash? is he breathing? what if that dog approaches and eats him? is he breathing? what if that crazy lady tries to take him? is he breathing? when will he learn how to sleep? does he have a fever? how am i supposed to get the thermometer up there? is he breathing? what if i trip and we fall into the canal? is he breathing? am i breathing?
when theo turned one, i was so PROUD of myself for keeping him ALIVE for the first year of his life. and i resolved to keep him alive for the rest of my life. that has also not always been easy. i wanted to be free and relaxed like a second child mom, but even though i observed those mothers closely, i just couldn’t do it. they would let their kids crawl all through the sandbox at the park getting filthy, while i held theo firmly in my lap, safe and dry (the sand was often damp in amsterdam because of all the rain.) finally, after my girlfriend started calling him little lord fauntleroy, i hesitantly placed him down in the box. the first thing he did was grab a huge handful of dirty, germy sand and shove it in his MOUTH! it took me a while to recover from that!
(even vacations are fraught… will they get swept away and drown? will they get eaten by a shark? will they get so sunburned they end up looking like magda?)
when lucy came, i thought the baby part would be easier because i’d already made all the decisions. and to some degree it was, but of course, she was a completely different baby and that presented all kinds of new decisions and new WORRIES! did i insert the carseat correctly? (we were in boulder at this point.) does she have enough sunscreen on? should she be sleeping this long? she was ALWAYS asleep, but those moments she was awake were harrowing because she was fearless. she would crawl and then run at full speed, while looking backwards (this resulted in stitches above her right eyebrow.) she would dance like she was in a mosh pit at a guns n’ roses concert at music class (this resulted in a multitude of bruises.) she would knock over big things like speakers (this resulted in her losing a tiny toenail.) she would thrash around in her sleep and fall out of bed (this resulted in stitches above her left eyebrow.) she would bounce around in the bathtub (this resulted in her front tooth getting knocked out - she was so proud that we had to drive by all of her friends’ houses and show them her gaping smile. she was also beside herself that the tooth fairy was coming to the house for HER, and not theo, for once.) we went to the E.R. so many times that i was worried C.P.S. was going to come knocking on my door. she was also rough on ME… she’s given me at least two black eyes from jumping in my lap and bonking me with her head. so EVERY birthday that she reaches, i am proud and RELIEVED that we are both alive.
(theo’s teeth fell out naturally, lucy’s did NOT!)
(FINALLY everyone has teeth!)
(i can’t even write about the worries that this guy brought… is ingesting a remote fatal? will some big owl carry him away? or a mountain lion? HAY SEUS!)
(and then there are the sweet moments like when the big comforts the little after a heartbreaking soccer loss)
as much as you love your babies when they are born, the longer they are around, the BIGGER that love gets… so big that it’s almost too much to hold inside your body. and it’s painful to love so much and so hard because despite all of your best intentions, you can’t protect your children from everything. sometimes they get dirty or sick or left out or heartbroken. and sometimes YOU are the cause of the harm. or at least i am. i often wonder how my kids will tell the stories of their childhood to their therapists in their forties. “my mother forbid us from having raisins and mayo and gum and blue cheese in the house and now i can’t bring myself to go to picnics or baseball games or france.” “my mother wouldn’t allow us to use sharpies or make messes of any kind and now i am paralyzed when making a poster or even dinner.” “my mother didn’t really homeschool us during the pandemic, we just ate lots of cookie dough and watched movies so now i don’t understand fractions and can’t slice up a pizza.” and those are just the issues i am aware of…
(bigger kids, BIGGER LOVE!)
when i was little, my father regularly told me that if anyone ever took me, he would search the world over until he brought me home safe and then he would absolutely destroy the perpetrator (simultaneously introducing something that i didn’t know i needed to be afraid of and reassuring me that it would be resolved.) i appreciated his conviction, but did find it a little dramatic. now i understand. there is an episode of “working moms” where one of them is running on a woodsy trail with her baby in an exercise buggy and they come across a giant bear. the mom steps in front of the buggy and lets out a roar from the bottom of her soul. that is what motherhood feels like to me. even if i am smiling or serving a birthday cake or cheering at a volleyball tournament or watching tv (which i am REALLY good at!) i am ready to ROAR. being a mother is exhausting and overwhelming and vulnerable, but it’s also hilarious and exhilirating and full of adenture so i am eternally grateful for these babies (they will always be my babies) who inspire me to roar. HAPPY, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the mothers and grannies and aunties and cool friends and god mothers who are ready to roar. x0x0x0x
(it’s really heartbreaking when they grow up and go to college… even though, theoretically you WANT them to…thankfully, i still have the little one at home for a few more years!)